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The Grumpy Guiri - Driving |
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The Grumpy Guiri of Barcelona is a long time resident of Barcelona. Read his controversial opinions on driving in Spain and his safety tips on how to avoid accidents!
 The word "guiri" is an Spanish expression for foreigners primarily from Northern Europe or Northern America similar to the expression "Gringo" used by Mexicans about Americans.
As you know I, the Grumpy Guiri, am an educated, tolerant, liberal, open-minded, multi-cultured sort of international world travelling person! I love Spain and Catalunya and the Spanish people. And no-one respects local customs and cultural differences more than the old Grumpy Guiri! eh? When in Rome and all that malarkey! Live and let live and all that too!
However, unless the Spanish driving licence comes with a double 0 “licence to kill” prefix, I am drawing the line at this particular local custom and cultural difference. For once I am breaking my vow of immigrant silence and speaking my mind! Spanish driver are seriously scarey! That's why Spain tops at numero 2 in the traffic death charts every year, only beaten by our neighbours the Portugese, who probably took their driving test in Spain, but due to language barriers, understood less that the Spaniards perhaps?
The Spaniards, whether they be Galician, Basque, Catalan or Andalusian disagree on many things, but not the traffic laws. They are all quite happy to have one traffic law, which is very similar to the jungle law. There are three rules and only three. Rule number 1: Full speed ahead. Rule number 2: Every man for himself. And rule number 3: May the best driver live!” So be warned. It’s a jungle out there.
To give you at least a hypothetical chance of survival, let me try and help you understand how a Spanish driver thinks and reacts. With the help of the Grumpy Guiri you can learn to see through the eyes of a Spanish “driver.”
Traffic lights - semáforos. Poles with a red or green light on them. Ignore them. They don’t mean anything. Usually there is one somewhere near a junction, but it is hard to spot most of the time because a huge lorry is always parked in front of it.
Traffic lanes - carriles. White stripes painted on the roads for no real reason. Ignore them. They don’t mean anything.
Traffic signs - señales viales. Round or square signs on the side of the roads with funny shapes painted on them for no real reason. Ignore them. They don’t mean anything.
Speed limits - límite de velocidad. There aren't very many speed limit signs, so do they really mean it? Ignore them. They don’t mean anything.
Indicator lights - luz intermitente. Most people just leave one on all time for a laugh. Ignore them. They don't mean anything.
Pedestrians - peatónes . People who cross the street so slowly they look like they are standing still and so they get hit by cars. Ignore them. They don’t mean anything.
Little white vans - furgonetas. Danger! These are highly untrained and lethal weapons! The drivers don’t care about crashing these vans, because they didn't pay for them. Some are also illegal immigrants driving on an expired Romanian library card. So if you see a white van ignore everything else and focus on the van. Remember a new library card is cheap in Rumania!
Motorways - autopistas . Places where most people drive in the middle lane very slowly, so just overtake on any side at high speed to scare them.
Motorway exit - salida de autopista. Places where you can drive off the motorway or go back onto a motorway backwards, if it was the wrong exit or you changed your mind.
Scooters - motos. Big buzzing mechanical bees from hell. They are always whining loudly around your car at high speeds. Ignore them. They don’t mean anything. They are driven by children with 14 years of tricycle experience. They drive at their own risk and cars are bigger than scooters anyway, so who will end up crying. If they accidentally hit your wing mirror, when they drive past you at 70k, you can drive them down with impunity.
Motorbikes - motos or motocicleta. Crazed speed demons, usually lawyers, who appear out of nowhere like a Star Trek landing party. They actually believe that the white stripes between the cars on the motorway are motorbike lanes! Ignore them. They don’t mean anything.
Cyclists - ciclista. Spanish drivers don’t know what these are. Nor do I. Ignore them. They don’t mean anything.
That just about sums it up. The Grumpy Guiri wishs you good luck and God speed, which is incidentaly the speed that Spanish drivers in Barcelona will overtake you - on the inside - in a tunnel!
Remember what I taught you and you will be fine, which is better than final. I leave you with a few really useful safety tips. Practise looking at all your mirrors at the same time. Learn to swivel your neck 360 degrees. Always signal and look back before you change lane.
Remember what the Founder of World Scout Movement and Chief Scout of the World, Lord Robert Baden-Powell said. He said “Be prepared!” I like to think that if he had lived in Barcelona in 2006, he would have added “and be insured”.
And finally because my paella is burning, perhaps the most important advice that you will ever get about driving safely in Spain. I live by these words which I heard first from the lips of icon Patrick Swayze in that epic movie, where you can find all the answers to life, "Roadhouse! “Expect the unexpected!”
© Barcelonayellow. 2006. The Grumpy Guiri is a satirical, fictitious and quite rude persona and therefore the opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of BarcelonaYellow.com
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