I was invited out sailing a few weeks ago. On a big sailing boat. It's not called a boat then. It's a yacht! 

What luck! The old Grumpy Guiri of Barcelona loves the great outdoors especially in the company of nice people in all shapes, sizes, races and cultures.

You won’t find a more people hugging, sailing lovin person than the old Grumpy Guiri. So I was looking forward to a fun day!

And it was fun. The sailing bit was fun.. but.. If I might make a  small comment. Don’t get me wrong! I love sailors! Lovely people. So suntanned!

But the language! I have never heard anything like it!

What I am talking about is that everything on a boat (yacht) has a different name from the exact same thing on land!

Let me give you some examples.

On land.. the direction left is called “left”.  At on the high seas, however, left is not left. Left is “port”. Why? No real reason. On land.. the direction right is called "right!" On the ocean blue, it becomes,  “starboard”. The back of the ship is “astern” and the front of the boat is logically and obviously called “aft”. More like daft if you ask me!

Of course the very front of the boat is called the “bow”. The middle is not the middle, but amidships. And ask a sailor, where the toilet is, and you are in big trouble,  

“Toilet????” smirk- snigger-grin-suppressed-giggle.  ”Do you mean the head?”

Shove it up your shivering timbers, will you!

The Grumpy Guiri is still having trouble learning Spanish and Catalan. I don't have time to learn a nautical language! 

Why would the toilet be called the head? Because you hit your head trying to use it? I wonder what do sailors call the useless grinning thing on top of  their necks – the loo?

The day goes on and more innocent questions are pounced upon with glee. As there was not much else I could usefully do on a boat except help opening beers, I asked optimistically,

“Need a hand in the kitchen?”
Smirk-smirk-snigger-suppressed gurgling-laugh-out-loud

“We don’t have one -  but you might give help me in the GALLEY! “

This is never ending.

A rope is not a rope.. it’s a "line" – unless it is the line attached to the mainsail, in which case it is called a "sheet". I usually sleep on sheets, which I call the white things on the beds (bunks) in bedrooms (cabins)  I didn’t ask what sailors probably call sheets for the bed? Probabably  beards, mole, or stools or something logical like that!

I asked how fast we were sailing? You know. How many miles per hour?  Thinly disguised snorts again. You don’t go in miles old chap – we use “knots”.

In the end I grew weary of the sea. It turns out that everything on a boat from the top of the pole (mast) to the bottom of the keel (I knew that one!) has a special name.

Windows are “portholes”. Sails don’t flap – they “luff”. The flagpole at the back of the ship is called a “flagstaff”. You don’t turn a boat. You “come about!”  

God (Neptune) only knows where they get these bizarre and totally superfluous names from?

Where I come from a toilet is called a latrine, a pissoir, a little boys room, men’s room, a WC, the thunderbox,  loo,  bog, a sh**house, a crapper, but definitely not a HEAD!”

Well. I feel better now having got that off my (sea) chest.  The truth is that sailing is great fun and Barcelona is a fantastic place to learn to sail or to rent (charter) a boat (ship, yacht, cruiser) for day trips and longer.

Charter companies can be found in the various marinas in Barcelona. If you can get a group together the prices are not unreasonable, and if you like me cannot sail or speak the langauge,  then a skipper and crew will be provided!

 Check the BarcleonaYellow.com listings for sailing in Barcelona

Have fun! And the Grumpy Guiri is going roller-skating next week! Stay tuned!